Acceptance ?

Do we ever full accept our long term conditions, illnesses,  disability? Or do we merely just learn to compartmentalise putting feelings, thoughts etc into boxes where they bubble over from time to time to rear their ugly heads? If you catch me on a good day (whatever that might be) I’d say yes I’ve accepted that my life has changed and I have to go about things in a different way. Sort of like taking the scenic route somewhere rather than the direct motorway. But, and there’s always a but isn’t there? If you get me on a high pain, high fatigue, low mood day then, apart from giving the iconic “I’m Fine” answer, the conversation going round in my head is likely to be “I hate this”, “I hate living like this”, “I want the pain to stop just for 5 mins” , “why me?” , “I want the old me back”

I often get told how inspirational I am, but, I don’t see that. To be honest you never know what being strong is until being strong is your only option, especially in public. I’m as guilty as the rest of the wonky RA and chronic pain community for putting on a mask, smiling and trying to look normal when inside I’m shattered. This week is Mental Health Awareness Week. Over the years I’ve noticed that there is little to no mental and emotional support offered or available when you are diagnosed with a long term health condition. Many people, like myself, have co-morbidities and that can plunge us into a never ending cycle of pain and depression. Although I have never been disagnosed with depression I do know that my mood can be low. I have dark times when I can’t see the light at the end of the long dark tunnel. Mental health AND long term ill health go hand in hand and there should be some support and guidance out there.

Over the last few weeks I have learnt what awesomely amazing friends I have. Some of those friends have long term conditions themselves. There’s a few that I literally couldn’t live without (they know who they are). They drop a message or text to say hi, post funny posts on social media, pop by just because they are in the area, pick me up to go for all you can eat breakfast while we talk about anything from men, children, being wonky and sex. Some of those even kept me going on the annual trip to Hastings for a weekend with Giants and Greenmen. I’ve learnt that my hubby still loves me after nearly 12 years, still finds me attractive despite my wonky body and is still proud to walk down the street with me whether he’s holding my hand with me in my power chair, pushing me in my wheelchair or resting his hand on my hand while I hobble on my crutches. What I suppose I’m trying to say is that even when times feel dark and all I can do is curl up and cry, I’m lucky enough to have some really important people in my life who for whatever reason actually think something (not nasty in a I want to get a hitman out on you way) but in a good way. I need to tell those people more often that I value their friendships and love them. I’m thankful to have them in my life.